Sunday, March 31, 2013
#1 The Stress Cycle
1. It creates a stress feedback loop.
Trying to get pregnant is stressful unless you are one of those super lucky women who try for one month and it takes immediately. Congratulations! I'm extremely happy for them. That describes more than one of my friends, and they are or will be fantastic parents.
For the rest of us, things are a little more difficult. I've had the flu, a miscarriage, and an ovulatory cycles on either side of the miscarriage cycle because of acute stressors. My miscarriage disrupted the cycle before it by almost 5 days (24-day cycle instead of 29) and the cycle after by a week in the other direction (ovulated on day 24 instead of day 18, then only had one week of raised temps). So that stress definitely messed up my fertility this time around. So, it's been an emotional last three months.
On top of that, every time I tried to talk about it, I got dismissed with, "You're just stressed out." Yes! Yes, I am! This stuff is extremely stressful. Then I got, "You're making it worse. Stress makes you not get pregnant!" So, the stress itself became a new source of stress.
This was the worst feedback loop ever. Sure, we tried to just have fun and have sex and not schedule things and, "Hey, how you doin'?" and "Tonight good for you?" and be super casual about it. And for my husband, he's pretty casual about it. But it's not casual in my head. It's my body. It's my life that will change instantly and (hopefully) irrevocably. None of this was really real to my husband. He was supportive and wonderful and gave hugs and kisses, but it wasn't Real to him like it was to me. He didn't feel the stress. I felt completely alone. I still feel pretty alone, because it's either blame from one side or ~babydust~ from the other. It's hard to find an honest conversation, since everyone I know has their own crazy stuff going on that is far more immediate than "I'm trying to have a baby, and I haven't yet."
In the month since then, I have had the longest cycle in many years, also anovulatory, and I'm throwing in the towel temporarily. I can't take it anymore on top of the stress of my job. I can't handle having to double-check every action in case it might hurt my potential future baby. I can't handle the two weeks of thinking about nothing but whether or not I'm pregnant. I can't handle having this consume every part of my being, when I need every part of my being to focus on my students. So, I'm out for the next two months. Two months of not taking my temperature, not judging every decision based on how it will affect a developing baby, and not in the middle of a stress feedback loop of DOOM.
Then I found a mention in an article that "stress has a weak link with infertility". Then I looked a little deeper and found this:
http://www.asrm.org/Stress_and_Infertility_factsheet/
And this:
http://www.slate.com/articles/doubl...tween_them.html
And the feedback loop is gone. There is no link. Women are not bringing it on themselves. The stress itself can stop being a source of more stress, and a large chunk of it all just melted away. I'm still going back on the pill for two months just so I can focus on school, but for really reals, stressing about it does not make it worse. Stressing about it does not keep you from having a baby.
YOU CAN STOP WORRYING. Now go have some sex. Just for fun.
Other posts in this series:
1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Infertility is Not Your Fault
Babies are on hold. Teaching is brutal the first year, and I have been stressed to the max for multiple reasons. Mostly school, but baby-making is not just hard work, but also super stressful. And you know the "common sense" that stressing out makes it harder to get pregnant, so by stressing out, your problems having babies are YOUR OWN FAULT? It's this horrible cycle of women casting blame at each other, of doctors and husbands (not mine, just in general) and partners (and don't forget strangers on the internet!) taking this already stressful situation and making it so much worse by stripping out every ounce of empathy and smugly insisting that if you just weren't so stressed out, you wouldn't be making yourself infertile.
Turns out that's NOT TRUE (sources in the next post). Can some stressors disrupt ovulation? They sure can! A specific event and a BIG, acute stress can certainly have an affect. Having the flu can do it. Chronic major stressors like hunger or illness or living in a war zone can also be causes. But the much more common "My first three levels of Maslow's Hierarchy are full to bursting, but trying to have a baby and having a job and navigating life in my safe, secure little bubble is HARD, so I'm stressed out" (which is perfectly valid. I fall into this category, myself) level of stress is not going to affect your fertility.
You will hear over and over that it does. Do a google search for "infertility and stress", and everything comes up with the "common" knowledge of how stress obviously keeps you from babies, because you are bad at being a woman, who should be serine and calm at all times. It may not be couched in those terms exactly, but that's the general feeling. I know I don't count as infertile, because we've only been trying for a few months, and I am not trying to bear that cross. However, knowing what I have gone through the last three months, I can only imagine what it is like for women who truly are battling infertility and need to hear this. Hell, I've even gotten the same treatment, that I'm so stressed out about it that I just need to go do some yoga or something, because sheesh! when I was just trying to explain what and how I was feeling.
Invalidating a woman's feelings as, "You're too stressed! Just stop it!" is harmful on many levels. I'd almost go with every level. Here are five specific things
1. It creates a feedback loop of stress.
2. It blames the victim.
3. It only values women based on their ability to have babies, and if you can't, you aren't a good woman.
4. It invalidates the emotions that women are feeling around miscarriages (It still stings when I think too hard about people telling me I didn't have a miscarriage, that I'm over-reacting, that it was all in my head).
5. It perpetuates a myth and leads to our current state of it being so commonly cited on the internet with ZERO sources (much less reliable sources) where everyone just accepts it as true.
Over the next few posts, I will explain each one a little more thoroughly and include the sources and evidence behind my claims in post #1. I will come back and add links as the posts are published.
Turns out that's NOT TRUE (sources in the next post). Can some stressors disrupt ovulation? They sure can! A specific event and a BIG, acute stress can certainly have an affect. Having the flu can do it. Chronic major stressors like hunger or illness or living in a war zone can also be causes. But the much more common "My first three levels of Maslow's Hierarchy are full to bursting, but trying to have a baby and having a job and navigating life in my safe, secure little bubble is HARD, so I'm stressed out" (which is perfectly valid. I fall into this category, myself) level of stress is not going to affect your fertility.
You will hear over and over that it does. Do a google search for "infertility and stress", and everything comes up with the "common" knowledge of how stress obviously keeps you from babies, because you are bad at being a woman, who should be serine and calm at all times. It may not be couched in those terms exactly, but that's the general feeling. I know I don't count as infertile, because we've only been trying for a few months, and I am not trying to bear that cross. However, knowing what I have gone through the last three months, I can only imagine what it is like for women who truly are battling infertility and need to hear this. Hell, I've even gotten the same treatment, that I'm so stressed out about it that I just need to go do some yoga or something, because sheesh! when I was just trying to explain what and how I was feeling.
Invalidating a woman's feelings as, "You're too stressed! Just stop it!" is harmful on many levels. I'd almost go with every level. Here are five specific things
1. It creates a feedback loop of stress.
2. It blames the victim.
3. It only values women based on their ability to have babies, and if you can't, you aren't a good woman.
4. It invalidates the emotions that women are feeling around miscarriages (It still stings when I think too hard about people telling me I didn't have a miscarriage, that I'm over-reacting, that it was all in my head).
5. It perpetuates a myth and leads to our current state of it being so commonly cited on the internet with ZERO sources (much less reliable sources) where everyone just accepts it as true.
Over the next few posts, I will explain each one a little more thoroughly and include the sources and evidence behind my claims in post #1. I will come back and add links as the posts are published.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Attempting to Make Babies is Hard Work
So, we're trying to have a baby. It's a frustrating process, weirdly enough. Seems like sexy times should be happy times, and between me and G, things are great. My problem is with The Internet.
On one forum, everyone is absolutely absurd and devoid of actual content. It's all "wishing you baby dust!" and "my DH and I BD EOD and now that I'm 4DPO I POA HPT and got BFN." What the ever living hell? I realize lingo is part of what makes a community, but seriously? First, 'baby dancing' is the most ridiculous version of 'sex' ever. Can't we just be adults and talk about real things with real names? I don't want to drag through a million acronyms and wishes of baby-dust and content-free posts with fourteen quotes from other people with nothing other than, "Yeah! Good luck! Fingers crossed! Baby dust to you! Hoping for your BFP soon! Good luck seducing your husband!" as a response after every quote.
On another forum, which feels the same way about that ridiculousness, I thought I could find support. Last month, I got carsick for the first time in my life. After that, I had low-level nausea, extremely tender breasts, and other things that I'd never felt before in my life. I don't really get PMS save getting slightly cranky, and one I realize what's happening, I can fix it. After a week, I got some terrible, terrible cramps, and then bleeding at 24 days in my cycle. I've never had a 24-day cycle in my life. Before I got on the pill, it was 31-35, after the pill it's been 29 every month. The cramping lasted a full week with 3-4 days of pelvic tenderness afterwards. I mean, I wouldn't let the kitties lay on my belly. It hurt!
That forum's response? It's all in your head! You're too stressed out and sabotaging yourself! It's too early for you to possibly have any symptoms, so you're making it up! It doesn't count as an early loss unless you get a positive test! Bullshit on all accounts.
Even if the symptoms are psychosomatic, that doesn't mean they aren't real. I still felt them! They still existed! Psychosomatic != imaginary. And it still felt bad. The pain still hurt, the cramps still cramped, and the nausea still put me off my feed. Way to be supportive, women's group! Well done. I was anxious, sure, but so is pretty much every woman in this process. Could I be a little more zen? Sure, that's true, but having someone dismiss my emotions and thoughts and pain as "You're stressed. Get over it," is also not helpful. There are also plenty of women out there who do not necessarily follow the pattern of positive pregnancy test immediately upon missing a period. It's not super common, but a quick google search means it's at least common enough to have multiple questions asked about it in multiple places, which is a decent indication that it's not all that rare. I know my body, I know when my body is doing very strange, very different things, and getting dismissed and invalidated feels shitty no matter what the circumstances.
So, The Internet, I'm afraid I am not in you, or at least your communities. Thank you, actually, for sending me to my friends and family for support, which is new and rare and actually quite nice. Instead of being angry on forums, I will be here. Being angry about forums. I guess that's a little better.
On one forum, everyone is absolutely absurd and devoid of actual content. It's all "wishing you baby dust!" and "my DH and I BD EOD and now that I'm 4DPO I POA HPT and got BFN." What the ever living hell? I realize lingo is part of what makes a community, but seriously? First, 'baby dancing' is the most ridiculous version of 'sex' ever. Can't we just be adults and talk about real things with real names? I don't want to drag through a million acronyms and wishes of baby-dust and content-free posts with fourteen quotes from other people with nothing other than, "Yeah! Good luck! Fingers crossed! Baby dust to you! Hoping for your BFP soon! Good luck seducing your husband!" as a response after every quote.
On another forum, which feels the same way about that ridiculousness, I thought I could find support. Last month, I got carsick for the first time in my life. After that, I had low-level nausea, extremely tender breasts, and other things that I'd never felt before in my life. I don't really get PMS save getting slightly cranky, and one I realize what's happening, I can fix it. After a week, I got some terrible, terrible cramps, and then bleeding at 24 days in my cycle. I've never had a 24-day cycle in my life. Before I got on the pill, it was 31-35, after the pill it's been 29 every month. The cramping lasted a full week with 3-4 days of pelvic tenderness afterwards. I mean, I wouldn't let the kitties lay on my belly. It hurt!
That forum's response? It's all in your head! You're too stressed out and sabotaging yourself! It's too early for you to possibly have any symptoms, so you're making it up! It doesn't count as an early loss unless you get a positive test! Bullshit on all accounts.
Even if the symptoms are psychosomatic, that doesn't mean they aren't real. I still felt them! They still existed! Psychosomatic != imaginary. And it still felt bad. The pain still hurt, the cramps still cramped, and the nausea still put me off my feed. Way to be supportive, women's group! Well done. I was anxious, sure, but so is pretty much every woman in this process. Could I be a little more zen? Sure, that's true, but having someone dismiss my emotions and thoughts and pain as "You're stressed. Get over it," is also not helpful. There are also plenty of women out there who do not necessarily follow the pattern of positive pregnancy test immediately upon missing a period. It's not super common, but a quick google search means it's at least common enough to have multiple questions asked about it in multiple places, which is a decent indication that it's not all that rare. I know my body, I know when my body is doing very strange, very different things, and getting dismissed and invalidated feels shitty no matter what the circumstances.
So, The Internet, I'm afraid I am not in you, or at least your communities. Thank you, actually, for sending me to my friends and family for support, which is new and rare and actually quite nice. Instead of being angry on forums, I will be here. Being angry about forums. I guess that's a little better.
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