#2 Victim Blame

This continues where my last blog post left off talking about the damage caused by the myth of "stress keeps you from getting pregnant."

2. It blames the victim.

I'm an over-thinking, over-planner, get as much data as possible, step-by-step, and over-prepared for almost everything type of person. I research like crazy, because I want to know what to expect (I never know what to expect. Ever). I talk to people. I think about the future. I ask for stories. I love getting more information and trying to assimilate it into some coherent whole. 

There's a reason I am drawn to science and statistics.

Anyway, I know as well as anyone that the best laid plans of any general only last until the battle starts, so I have a policy of over-plan and then roll with whatever happens. It usually treats me well. However, when trying to get pregnant, all you CAN do is plan. All you CAN do is gather data. So I did. I got off the pill. I read Taking Charge of your Fertility. I started charting. I started reading pregnancy-related threads on forums. I started talking to friends. I started paying attention to my own body. 

October: last month on pill. Cycle was CRAZY.

November: Steady, 29-day cycle. 11-day leutal phase.

December: Steady, 29-day cycle. 11-day leutal phase.

January: Got the flu over Christmas. Was sick for almost 3 weeks. Had an anovulatory month. 26-days, things were a little crazy, but I got better. Up to now, the stress had been hoping I wasn't pregnant, because it would be very inconveniently timed with the school year for giving birth. 

We decided to start trying in the month of February. My thermometer's battery ran out, and I kept not finding a replacement, so I wasn't charting my temp from Jan 29-Mar 5.

February: Got pregnant. Got carsick for the first time in my life. Had non-stop mild nausea for the first time in my life. Had unbelievably tender breasts for the first time in my life. I was very excited that whole time, just hoping for that + pregnancy test soon. I peed on many sticks at absurdly early times in my cycle. Since I wasn't charting temp, I had no idea when I ovulated or what. 

Then the cramping started. I've had cramps maybe 2-3 times ever in my life. The only PSM symptoms I get are bloating and slight crankiness sometimes. That's it. This cramping was "sent me to bed, thank goodness it was over the MLK long weekend, because I don't think I could have gone to work that day otherwise" bad. The cramping lasted for a solid week. Not as bad after the first day, but still awful. The bleeding started after the first day of awful cramping. I bled for a solid week. For a week after that, the cats couldn't even lay on my stomach because things were so tender. I was an emotional wreck.

That was my baby. I know these things happen for very real, biological reasons. Chromosomal abnormalities or some other issue "incompatible with life". I get that. It was extremely early, like 3-4 weeks in. I get that. ("It hardly even counts!" one woman comforted me. And I use that term extremely loosely). Still, that was my baby. To have that dismissed felt terrible. To have my symptoms dismissed as "all in my head" was absurd. To have my emotions dismissed as, "You're just stressed out," is mean. It hurt on every level. 

Then I get told that it's my fault and I brought it on myself? That is victim blaming at its best. And its worst.

In the month since then, I have had even more stress due to the longest cycle in many years, also anovulatory, and I'm done. Throwing in the towel, if temporarily. I can't take it anymore on top of the stress of my job. I can't handle having to double-check every action in case it might hurt my potential future baby. I can't handle the two weeks of thinking about nothing but whether or not I'm pregnant. I can't handle having this consume every part of my being, when I need every part of my being to focus on my students. So, I'm out for the next two months.

Other Posts in this Series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues