Deny

I'm not pregnant. I'm still nauseated, feel like shit, and am extremely sad, but I am definitely not pregnant.

Confirm/Deny

Women need to come with indicator lights. This confirm/deny stage of pregnant or not is bullshit. So, I haven't had a period in six weeks. However, I've had long cycles before. Two months ago I had a 38 day cycle. Today I'm on day 39. Today I also have nausea and a stuffy nose (which is a goddamn pregnancy symptom that can show up in the second month. What the fuck is that?). I also have two weeks worth of negative pee tests. My MIL tells me it's still early for a pee test to show up. I think I may go drop the $20 on the fancy pee sticks just to make sure. Getting pregnant is so stinkin' expensive. My emotions are all over the place. I woke up a few weeks ago absolutely terrified to be pregnant. It was the first time I had felt anything but anticipation and longing. I woke up and thought, "Holy shit. This is terrifying. I'm going to have another person growing INSIDE ME. A person that no one else has ever met. A person that we have no way of knowing what they will be like until years from now. SHIT." I decided I didn't want to be pregnant yet. It was too scary. I had said it was the wrong time. I had said I was too injured. I had said all kinds of things, but I had never deemed it too scary. Then at dinner, one of my mothers-in-law (yes, I have two. My husband has two moms) made some comment about how, "It's not MY fault I don't have any grandchildren!" and it just struck me through the heart. I sputtered something about how it's no my fault, either! and don't even know what else. I know she didn't mean it that way. I know she doesn't think it's my fault, but it was really goddamn hard to hear that. We've been trying for almost a year. One miscarriage, one month break in April, and trying each month since then, only to have my hopes dashed like surf on a rocky coast by the incoming red tide. I keep checking my underwear to see if my period has started. I keep taking pee tests that come up negative. I keep having pangs of nausea and trying to pretend that's not what they are. The first few days, I would think about nausea a few seconds before it hit, which was really fucking weird, and I thought maybe I was psychosomatic'ing it into being. But now it comes whether I think about it or not. I don't have any food aversions yet, everything still sounds delicious (which matches what G's other mom said about when she was pregnant. I didn't know it was possible to not have food aversions), but my tummy is not pleased. Women need to come with indicator lights.

Model Rail Road Photography

When I went to visit Seattle over Spring Break, I took some photos of my friend's dad's model rail road. It was really wonderful! Here are a few for you to check out.







I'm really excited about the prospect of photographing more model trains. I haven't researched any of the model RR clubs near me, but that is a real plan for this summer!

#5 The Myth Continues

5. It perpetuates a myth and leads to our current state of it being so commonly cited on the internet with ZERO sources (much less reliable sources) where everyone just accepts it as true.

This doesn't need much expanding. Stop perpetuating this myth. Stop telling women infertility is their own fault. Start calling people out when they say it. Show them sources. Go look at the data yourself. I would go so far as to say this is one of the worst things women to do other women among the many ways people hurt each other. This one is done through thoughtful ignorance. Everyone who says this thinks they it is true, believes they are giving good advice, usually truly wants to help, and almost invariably fails on all accounts with no idea of how much damage they are doing.

The solution? Support women in whatever they are feeling. Understand that the basic stressors of life are not affecting fertility, and there is not a whole lot that the women can do to ruin her fertility as long as she has her basic needs of nutrition met. Remember that anecdotes are not evidence. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who got pregnant as soon as they stopped trying. Who cares? Many other people get pregnant on accident or on their first try or after two months. It takes as long as it takes. Reassure each other than we are doing the best we can, yes it is super stressful, and that is ok.

Whatever you are feeling? It's ok. It's enough. It's perfect. It's your journey, and anyone who tries to take that away from you, who tries to tell you that your emotions are invalid, even if it's coming from a place of love, needs to be gently corrected. Feel free to send them here if they need to see the evidence or have a third party explain to them why their help isn't very helpful, no matter how much you appreciate it or how kind a heart it comes from.

You do not have to be grateful to someone who is tearing you down. You can be gracious to everyone, and it is through gentle education and probably many reminders that this myth can eventually lose its hold over all women trying to conceive.

Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#4 Dismissing Emotions

This is post 4 in my series on how stress does not cause infertility or make it harder to get pregnant, contrary to popular belief and common "knowledge".

4. It invalidates the emotions that women are feeling around miscarriages or infertility. It still stings when I think too hard about people telling me I didn't have a miscarriage, that I'm over-reacting, that it was all in my head, that I'm making this process harder on myself.

By laying the blame on the women themselves for stress causing infertility, it takes away any mental room they have to properly feel upset or to process the emotions. Pressure is put on women to stop stressing out. How much freaking sense does that make?!? Trying to stop being stressed out means trying to ignore the stressful emotions, and if you still have those emotions, then you're doing it wrong and having emotions that you shouldn't have, which just causes more stress. But, that stress is unacceptable, so your emotions are not valid and need to be changed.

Telling anyone that their emotions are wrong is treading on thin ice. There are some people who get over-wrought and really emotional about everything, and there are some people who take everything with a nod. Anything taken to extremes should be moderated, but right now women are not told to moderate their emotions; we are told either stop having them or only have the proper ones. That is damaging to anyone, and eventually can become internalized to the point of shutting all emotions or emotional expression down.

Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#3 Woman = Uterus

This is a continuation of my previous posts talking about the myth of stress decreasing your chances of getting pregnant.

3. It only values women based on their ability to have babies, and if you can't, you aren't a good woman.

If you're having trouble having babies, it stresses you out. Then being told that it's your fault that you can't have babies devalues you as a person. Taking extremely thin evidence and blanket-statement-ing it to all women turns them into uniform baby-makers who all have the same experiences and same reactions. So, if all women have uniform experiences and reactions, then anyone who is abnormal (i.e. too stressed out to get pregnant) is doing it wrong. This one is pretty simple and doesn't require a whole lot of discussion, but it is still an extremely destructive implication to all women who are struggling to conceive.

Thankfully, I have not been hit with this part of it yet, and know that I won't from my wonderful support crew. Again, my journey has been extremely short, but I want to bring out these ideas for all women who are further along the path than I am. If I need to hear it, if these ideas gave me such an extreme sense of relief, I hope they can help another woman with any level of struggles in conception.

You are not the sum total of your ability to have babies. A woman is many things, and some women choose to become mothers or not to become mothers, and some become mothers or cannot become mothers without choosing it. That does not determine your value or your purpose in life. Being a good person does not depend on your gender, and everyone can do that. Having a baby is another piece of life, it happens when and how it happens, and it does not make you better or worse for it happening sooner or later.


Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#2 Victim Blame

This continues where my last blog post left off talking about the damage caused by the myth of "stress keeps you from getting pregnant."

2. It blames the victim.

I'm an over-thinking, over-planner, get as much data as possible, step-by-step, and over-prepared for almost everything type of person. I research like crazy, because I want to know what to expect (I never know what to expect. Ever). I talk to people. I think about the future. I ask for stories. I love getting more information and trying to assimilate it into some coherent whole. 

There's a reason I am drawn to science and statistics.

Anyway, I know as well as anyone that the best laid plans of any general only last until the battle starts, so I have a policy of over-plan and then roll with whatever happens. It usually treats me well. However, when trying to get pregnant, all you CAN do is plan. All you CAN do is gather data. So I did. I got off the pill. I read Taking Charge of your Fertility. I started charting. I started reading pregnancy-related threads on forums. I started talking to friends. I started paying attention to my own body. 

October: last month on pill. Cycle was CRAZY.

November: Steady, 29-day cycle. 11-day leutal phase.

December: Steady, 29-day cycle. 11-day leutal phase.

January: Got the flu over Christmas. Was sick for almost 3 weeks. Had an anovulatory month. 26-days, things were a little crazy, but I got better. Up to now, the stress had been hoping I wasn't pregnant, because it would be very inconveniently timed with the school year for giving birth. 

We decided to start trying in the month of February. My thermometer's battery ran out, and I kept not finding a replacement, so I wasn't charting my temp from Jan 29-Mar 5.

February: Got pregnant. Got carsick for the first time in my life. Had non-stop mild nausea for the first time in my life. Had unbelievably tender breasts for the first time in my life. I was very excited that whole time, just hoping for that + pregnancy test soon. I peed on many sticks at absurdly early times in my cycle. Since I wasn't charting temp, I had no idea when I ovulated or what. 

Then the cramping started. I've had cramps maybe 2-3 times ever in my life. The only PSM symptoms I get are bloating and slight crankiness sometimes. That's it. This cramping was "sent me to bed, thank goodness it was over the MLK long weekend, because I don't think I could have gone to work that day otherwise" bad. The cramping lasted for a solid week. Not as bad after the first day, but still awful. The bleeding started after the first day of awful cramping. I bled for a solid week. For a week after that, the cats couldn't even lay on my stomach because things were so tender. I was an emotional wreck.

That was my baby. I know these things happen for very real, biological reasons. Chromosomal abnormalities or some other issue "incompatible with life". I get that. It was extremely early, like 3-4 weeks in. I get that. ("It hardly even counts!" one woman comforted me. And I use that term extremely loosely). Still, that was my baby. To have that dismissed felt terrible. To have my symptoms dismissed as "all in my head" was absurd. To have my emotions dismissed as, "You're just stressed out," is mean. It hurt on every level. 

Then I get told that it's my fault and I brought it on myself? That is victim blaming at its best. And its worst.

In the month since then, I have had even more stress due to the longest cycle in many years, also anovulatory, and I'm done. Throwing in the towel, if temporarily. I can't take it anymore on top of the stress of my job. I can't handle having to double-check every action in case it might hurt my potential future baby. I can't handle the two weeks of thinking about nothing but whether or not I'm pregnant. I can't handle having this consume every part of my being, when I need every part of my being to focus on my students. So, I'm out for the next two months.

Other Posts in this Series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#1 The Stress Cycle

1. It creates a stress feedback loop.

Trying to get pregnant is stressful unless you are one of those super lucky women who try for one month and it takes immediately. Congratulations! I'm extremely happy for them. That describes more than one of my friends, and they are or will be fantastic parents.

For the rest of us, things are a little more difficult. I've had the flu, a miscarriage, and an ovulatory cycles on either side of the miscarriage cycle because of acute stressors. My miscarriage disrupted the cycle before it by almost 5 days (24-day cycle instead of 29) and the cycle after by a week in the other direction (ovulated on day 24 instead of day 18, then only had one week of raised temps). So that stress definitely messed up my fertility this time around. So, it's been an emotional last three months.

On top of that, every time I tried to talk about it, I got dismissed with, "You're just stressed out." Yes! Yes, I am! This stuff is extremely stressful. Then I got, "You're making it worse. Stress makes you not get pregnant!" So, the stress itself became a new source of stress.

This was the worst feedback loop ever. Sure, we tried to just have fun and have sex and not schedule things and, "Hey, how you doin'?" and "Tonight good for you?" and be super casual about it. And for my husband, he's pretty casual about it. But it's not casual in my head. It's my body. It's my life that will change instantly and (hopefully) irrevocably. None of this was really real to my husband. He was supportive and wonderful and gave hugs and kisses, but it wasn't Real to him like it was to me. He didn't feel the stress. I felt completely alone. I still feel pretty alone, because it's either blame from one side or ~babydust~ from the other. It's hard to find an honest conversation, since everyone I know has their own crazy stuff going on that is far more immediate than "I'm trying to have a baby, and I haven't yet."

In the month since then, I have had the longest cycle in many years, also anovulatory, and I'm throwing in the towel temporarily. I can't take it anymore on top of the stress of my job. I can't handle having to double-check every action in case it might hurt my potential future baby. I can't handle the two weeks of thinking about nothing but whether or not I'm pregnant. I can't handle having this consume every part of my being, when I need every part of my being to focus on my students. So, I'm out for the next two months. Two months of not taking my temperature, not judging every decision based on how it will affect a developing baby, and not in the middle of a stress feedback loop of DOOM.


Then I found a mention in an article that "stress has a weak link with infertility". Then I looked a little deeper and found this:

http://www.asrm.org/Stress_and_Infertility_factsheet/

And this:

http://www.slate.com/articles/doubl...tween_them.html

And the feedback loop is gone. There is no link. Women are not bringing it on themselves. The stress itself can stop being a source of more stress, and a large chunk of it all just melted away. I'm still going back on the pill for two months just so I can focus on school, but for really reals, stressing about it does not make it worse. Stressing about it does not keep you from having a baby.

YOU CAN STOP WORRYING. Now go have some sex. Just for fun.

Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

Infertility is Not Your Fault

Babies are on hold. Teaching is brutal the first year, and I have been stressed to the max for multiple reasons. Mostly school, but baby-making is not just hard work, but also super stressful. And you know the "common sense" that stressing out makes it harder to get pregnant, so by stressing out, your problems having babies are YOUR OWN FAULT? It's this horrible cycle of women casting blame at each other, of doctors and husbands (not mine, just in general) and partners (and don't forget strangers on the internet!) taking this already stressful situation and making it so much worse by stripping out every ounce of empathy and smugly insisting that if you just weren't so stressed out, you wouldn't be making yourself infertile.

Turns out that's NOT TRUE (sources in the next post). Can some stressors disrupt ovulation? They sure can! A specific event and a BIG, acute stress can certainly have an affect. Having the flu can do it. Chronic major stressors like hunger or illness or living in a war zone can also be causes. But the much more common "My first three levels of Maslow's Hierarchy are full to bursting, but trying to have a baby and having a job and navigating life in my safe, secure little bubble is HARD, so I'm stressed out" (which is perfectly valid. I fall into this category, myself) level of stress is not going to affect your fertility.

You will hear over and over that it does. Do a google search for "infertility and stress", and everything comes up with the "common" knowledge of how stress obviously keeps you from babies, because you are bad at being a woman, who should be serine and calm at all times. It may not be couched in those terms exactly, but that's the general feeling. I know I don't count as infertile, because we've only been trying for a few months, and I am not trying to bear that cross. However, knowing what I have gone through the last three months, I can only imagine what it is like for women who truly are battling infertility and need to hear this. Hell, I've even gotten the same treatment, that I'm so stressed out about it that I just need to go do some yoga or something, because sheesh! when I was just trying to explain what and how I was feeling.

Invalidating a woman's feelings as, "You're too stressed! Just stop it!" is harmful on many levels. I'd almost go with every level. Here are five specific things

1. It creates a feedback loop of stress.
2.  It blames the victim.
3. It only values women based on their ability to have babies, and if you can't, you aren't a good woman.
4. It invalidates the emotions that women are feeling around miscarriages (It still stings when I think too hard about people telling me I didn't have a miscarriage, that I'm over-reacting, that it was all in my head).
5. It perpetuates a myth and leads to our current state of it being so commonly cited on the internet with ZERO sources (much less reliable sources) where everyone just accepts it as true.

Over the next few posts, I will explain each one a little more thoroughly and include the sources and evidence behind my claims in post #1. I will come back and add links as the posts are published.

Attempting to Make Babies is Hard Work

So, we're trying to have a baby. It's a frustrating process, weirdly enough. Seems like sexy times should be happy times, and between me and G, things are great. My problem is with The Internet.

On one forum, everyone is absolutely absurd and devoid of actual content. It's all "wishing you baby dust!" and "my DH and I BD EOD and now that I'm 4DPO I POA HPT and got BFN." What the ever living hell? I realize lingo is part of what makes a community, but seriously? First, 'baby dancing' is the most ridiculous version of 'sex' ever. Can't we just be adults and talk about real things with real names? I don't want to drag through a million acronyms and wishes of baby-dust and content-free posts with fourteen quotes from other people with nothing other than, "Yeah! Good luck! Fingers crossed! Baby dust to you! Hoping for your BFP soon! Good luck seducing your husband!" as a response after every quote.

On another forum, which feels the same way about that ridiculousness, I thought I could find support. Last month, I got carsick for the first time in my life. After that, I had low-level nausea, extremely tender breasts, and other things that I'd never felt before in my life. I don't really get PMS save getting slightly cranky, and one I realize what's happening, I can fix it. After a week, I got some terrible, terrible cramps, and then bleeding at 24 days in my cycle. I've never had a 24-day cycle in my life. Before I got on the pill, it was 31-35, after the pill it's been 29 every month. The cramping lasted a full week with 3-4 days of pelvic tenderness afterwards. I mean, I wouldn't let the kitties lay on my belly. It hurt!

That forum's response? It's all in your head! You're too stressed out and sabotaging yourself! It's too early for you to possibly have any symptoms, so you're making it up! It doesn't count as an early loss unless you get a positive test! Bullshit on all accounts.

Even if the symptoms are psychosomatic, that doesn't mean they aren't real. I still felt them! They still existed! Psychosomatic != imaginary. And it still felt bad. The pain still hurt, the cramps still cramped, and the nausea still put me off my feed. Way to be supportive, women's group! Well done. I was anxious, sure, but so is pretty much every woman in this process. Could I be a little more zen? Sure, that's true, but having someone dismiss my emotions and thoughts and pain as "You're stressed. Get over it," is also not helpful. There are also plenty of women out there who do not necessarily follow the pattern of positive pregnancy test immediately upon missing a period. It's not super common, but a quick google search means it's at least common enough to have multiple questions asked about it in multiple places, which is a decent indication that it's not all that rare. I know my body, I know when my body is doing very strange, very different things, and getting dismissed and invalidated feels shitty no matter what the circumstances.

So, The Internet, I'm afraid I am not in you, or at least your communities. Thank you, actually, for sending me to my friends and family for support, which is new and rare and actually quite nice. Instead of being angry on forums, I will be here. Being angry about forums. I guess that's a little better.