Deny

I'm not pregnant. I'm still nauseated, feel like shit, and am extremely sad, but I am definitely not pregnant.

Confirm/Deny

Women need to come with indicator lights. This confirm/deny stage of pregnant or not is bullshit. So, I haven't had a period in six weeks. However, I've had long cycles before. Two months ago I had a 38 day cycle. Today I'm on day 39. Today I also have nausea and a stuffy nose (which is a goddamn pregnancy symptom that can show up in the second month. What the fuck is that?). I also have two weeks worth of negative pee tests. My MIL tells me it's still early for a pee test to show up. I think I may go drop the $20 on the fancy pee sticks just to make sure. Getting pregnant is so stinkin' expensive. My emotions are all over the place. I woke up a few weeks ago absolutely terrified to be pregnant. It was the first time I had felt anything but anticipation and longing. I woke up and thought, "Holy shit. This is terrifying. I'm going to have another person growing INSIDE ME. A person that no one else has ever met. A person that we have no way of knowing what they will be like until years from now. SHIT." I decided I didn't want to be pregnant yet. It was too scary. I had said it was the wrong time. I had said I was too injured. I had said all kinds of things, but I had never deemed it too scary. Then at dinner, one of my mothers-in-law (yes, I have two. My husband has two moms) made some comment about how, "It's not MY fault I don't have any grandchildren!" and it just struck me through the heart. I sputtered something about how it's no my fault, either! and don't even know what else. I know she didn't mean it that way. I know she doesn't think it's my fault, but it was really goddamn hard to hear that. We've been trying for almost a year. One miscarriage, one month break in April, and trying each month since then, only to have my hopes dashed like surf on a rocky coast by the incoming red tide. I keep checking my underwear to see if my period has started. I keep taking pee tests that come up negative. I keep having pangs of nausea and trying to pretend that's not what they are. The first few days, I would think about nausea a few seconds before it hit, which was really fucking weird, and I thought maybe I was psychosomatic'ing it into being. But now it comes whether I think about it or not. I don't have any food aversions yet, everything still sounds delicious (which matches what G's other mom said about when she was pregnant. I didn't know it was possible to not have food aversions), but my tummy is not pleased. Women need to come with indicator lights.