Deny

I'm not pregnant. I'm still nauseated, feel like shit, and am extremely sad, but I am definitely not pregnant.

Confirm/Deny

Women need to come with indicator lights. This confirm/deny stage of pregnant or not is bullshit. So, I haven't had a period in six weeks. However, I've had long cycles before. Two months ago I had a 38 day cycle. Today I'm on day 39. Today I also have nausea and a stuffy nose (which is a goddamn pregnancy symptom that can show up in the second month. What the fuck is that?). I also have two weeks worth of negative pee tests. My MIL tells me it's still early for a pee test to show up. I think I may go drop the $20 on the fancy pee sticks just to make sure. Getting pregnant is so stinkin' expensive. My emotions are all over the place. I woke up a few weeks ago absolutely terrified to be pregnant. It was the first time I had felt anything but anticipation and longing. I woke up and thought, "Holy shit. This is terrifying. I'm going to have another person growing INSIDE ME. A person that no one else has ever met. A person that we have no way of knowing what they will be like until years from now. SHIT." I decided I didn't want to be pregnant yet. It was too scary. I had said it was the wrong time. I had said I was too injured. I had said all kinds of things, but I had never deemed it too scary. Then at dinner, one of my mothers-in-law (yes, I have two. My husband has two moms) made some comment about how, "It's not MY fault I don't have any grandchildren!" and it just struck me through the heart. I sputtered something about how it's no my fault, either! and don't even know what else. I know she didn't mean it that way. I know she doesn't think it's my fault, but it was really goddamn hard to hear that. We've been trying for almost a year. One miscarriage, one month break in April, and trying each month since then, only to have my hopes dashed like surf on a rocky coast by the incoming red tide. I keep checking my underwear to see if my period has started. I keep taking pee tests that come up negative. I keep having pangs of nausea and trying to pretend that's not what they are. The first few days, I would think about nausea a few seconds before it hit, which was really fucking weird, and I thought maybe I was psychosomatic'ing it into being. But now it comes whether I think about it or not. I don't have any food aversions yet, everything still sounds delicious (which matches what G's other mom said about when she was pregnant. I didn't know it was possible to not have food aversions), but my tummy is not pleased. Women need to come with indicator lights.

Model Rail Road Photography

When I went to visit Seattle over Spring Break, I took some photos of my friend's dad's model rail road. It was really wonderful! Here are a few for you to check out.







I'm really excited about the prospect of photographing more model trains. I haven't researched any of the model RR clubs near me, but that is a real plan for this summer!

#5 The Myth Continues

5. It perpetuates a myth and leads to our current state of it being so commonly cited on the internet with ZERO sources (much less reliable sources) where everyone just accepts it as true.

This doesn't need much expanding. Stop perpetuating this myth. Stop telling women infertility is their own fault. Start calling people out when they say it. Show them sources. Go look at the data yourself. I would go so far as to say this is one of the worst things women to do other women among the many ways people hurt each other. This one is done through thoughtful ignorance. Everyone who says this thinks they it is true, believes they are giving good advice, usually truly wants to help, and almost invariably fails on all accounts with no idea of how much damage they are doing.

The solution? Support women in whatever they are feeling. Understand that the basic stressors of life are not affecting fertility, and there is not a whole lot that the women can do to ruin her fertility as long as she has her basic needs of nutrition met. Remember that anecdotes are not evidence. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who got pregnant as soon as they stopped trying. Who cares? Many other people get pregnant on accident or on their first try or after two months. It takes as long as it takes. Reassure each other than we are doing the best we can, yes it is super stressful, and that is ok.

Whatever you are feeling? It's ok. It's enough. It's perfect. It's your journey, and anyone who tries to take that away from you, who tries to tell you that your emotions are invalid, even if it's coming from a place of love, needs to be gently corrected. Feel free to send them here if they need to see the evidence or have a third party explain to them why their help isn't very helpful, no matter how much you appreciate it or how kind a heart it comes from.

You do not have to be grateful to someone who is tearing you down. You can be gracious to everyone, and it is through gentle education and probably many reminders that this myth can eventually lose its hold over all women trying to conceive.

Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#4 Dismissing Emotions

This is post 4 in my series on how stress does not cause infertility or make it harder to get pregnant, contrary to popular belief and common "knowledge".

4. It invalidates the emotions that women are feeling around miscarriages or infertility. It still stings when I think too hard about people telling me I didn't have a miscarriage, that I'm over-reacting, that it was all in my head, that I'm making this process harder on myself.

By laying the blame on the women themselves for stress causing infertility, it takes away any mental room they have to properly feel upset or to process the emotions. Pressure is put on women to stop stressing out. How much freaking sense does that make?!? Trying to stop being stressed out means trying to ignore the stressful emotions, and if you still have those emotions, then you're doing it wrong and having emotions that you shouldn't have, which just causes more stress. But, that stress is unacceptable, so your emotions are not valid and need to be changed.

Telling anyone that their emotions are wrong is treading on thin ice. There are some people who get over-wrought and really emotional about everything, and there are some people who take everything with a nod. Anything taken to extremes should be moderated, but right now women are not told to moderate their emotions; we are told either stop having them or only have the proper ones. That is damaging to anyone, and eventually can become internalized to the point of shutting all emotions or emotional expression down.

Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#3 Woman = Uterus

This is a continuation of my previous posts talking about the myth of stress decreasing your chances of getting pregnant.

3. It only values women based on their ability to have babies, and if you can't, you aren't a good woman.

If you're having trouble having babies, it stresses you out. Then being told that it's your fault that you can't have babies devalues you as a person. Taking extremely thin evidence and blanket-statement-ing it to all women turns them into uniform baby-makers who all have the same experiences and same reactions. So, if all women have uniform experiences and reactions, then anyone who is abnormal (i.e. too stressed out to get pregnant) is doing it wrong. This one is pretty simple and doesn't require a whole lot of discussion, but it is still an extremely destructive implication to all women who are struggling to conceive.

Thankfully, I have not been hit with this part of it yet, and know that I won't from my wonderful support crew. Again, my journey has been extremely short, but I want to bring out these ideas for all women who are further along the path than I am. If I need to hear it, if these ideas gave me such an extreme sense of relief, I hope they can help another woman with any level of struggles in conception.

You are not the sum total of your ability to have babies. A woman is many things, and some women choose to become mothers or not to become mothers, and some become mothers or cannot become mothers without choosing it. That does not determine your value or your purpose in life. Being a good person does not depend on your gender, and everyone can do that. Having a baby is another piece of life, it happens when and how it happens, and it does not make you better or worse for it happening sooner or later.


Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#2 Victim Blame

This continues where my last blog post left off talking about the damage caused by the myth of "stress keeps you from getting pregnant."

2. It blames the victim.

I'm an over-thinking, over-planner, get as much data as possible, step-by-step, and over-prepared for almost everything type of person. I research like crazy, because I want to know what to expect (I never know what to expect. Ever). I talk to people. I think about the future. I ask for stories. I love getting more information and trying to assimilate it into some coherent whole. 

There's a reason I am drawn to science and statistics.

Anyway, I know as well as anyone that the best laid plans of any general only last until the battle starts, so I have a policy of over-plan and then roll with whatever happens. It usually treats me well. However, when trying to get pregnant, all you CAN do is plan. All you CAN do is gather data. So I did. I got off the pill. I read Taking Charge of your Fertility. I started charting. I started reading pregnancy-related threads on forums. I started talking to friends. I started paying attention to my own body. 

October: last month on pill. Cycle was CRAZY.

November: Steady, 29-day cycle. 11-day leutal phase.

December: Steady, 29-day cycle. 11-day leutal phase.

January: Got the flu over Christmas. Was sick for almost 3 weeks. Had an anovulatory month. 26-days, things were a little crazy, but I got better. Up to now, the stress had been hoping I wasn't pregnant, because it would be very inconveniently timed with the school year for giving birth. 

We decided to start trying in the month of February. My thermometer's battery ran out, and I kept not finding a replacement, so I wasn't charting my temp from Jan 29-Mar 5.

February: Got pregnant. Got carsick for the first time in my life. Had non-stop mild nausea for the first time in my life. Had unbelievably tender breasts for the first time in my life. I was very excited that whole time, just hoping for that + pregnancy test soon. I peed on many sticks at absurdly early times in my cycle. Since I wasn't charting temp, I had no idea when I ovulated or what. 

Then the cramping started. I've had cramps maybe 2-3 times ever in my life. The only PSM symptoms I get are bloating and slight crankiness sometimes. That's it. This cramping was "sent me to bed, thank goodness it was over the MLK long weekend, because I don't think I could have gone to work that day otherwise" bad. The cramping lasted for a solid week. Not as bad after the first day, but still awful. The bleeding started after the first day of awful cramping. I bled for a solid week. For a week after that, the cats couldn't even lay on my stomach because things were so tender. I was an emotional wreck.

That was my baby. I know these things happen for very real, biological reasons. Chromosomal abnormalities or some other issue "incompatible with life". I get that. It was extremely early, like 3-4 weeks in. I get that. ("It hardly even counts!" one woman comforted me. And I use that term extremely loosely). Still, that was my baby. To have that dismissed felt terrible. To have my symptoms dismissed as "all in my head" was absurd. To have my emotions dismissed as, "You're just stressed out," is mean. It hurt on every level. 

Then I get told that it's my fault and I brought it on myself? That is victim blaming at its best. And its worst.

In the month since then, I have had even more stress due to the longest cycle in many years, also anovulatory, and I'm done. Throwing in the towel, if temporarily. I can't take it anymore on top of the stress of my job. I can't handle having to double-check every action in case it might hurt my potential future baby. I can't handle the two weeks of thinking about nothing but whether or not I'm pregnant. I can't handle having this consume every part of my being, when I need every part of my being to focus on my students. So, I'm out for the next two months.

Other Posts in this Series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

#1 The Stress Cycle

1. It creates a stress feedback loop.

Trying to get pregnant is stressful unless you are one of those super lucky women who try for one month and it takes immediately. Congratulations! I'm extremely happy for them. That describes more than one of my friends, and they are or will be fantastic parents.

For the rest of us, things are a little more difficult. I've had the flu, a miscarriage, and an ovulatory cycles on either side of the miscarriage cycle because of acute stressors. My miscarriage disrupted the cycle before it by almost 5 days (24-day cycle instead of 29) and the cycle after by a week in the other direction (ovulated on day 24 instead of day 18, then only had one week of raised temps). So that stress definitely messed up my fertility this time around. So, it's been an emotional last three months.

On top of that, every time I tried to talk about it, I got dismissed with, "You're just stressed out." Yes! Yes, I am! This stuff is extremely stressful. Then I got, "You're making it worse. Stress makes you not get pregnant!" So, the stress itself became a new source of stress.

This was the worst feedback loop ever. Sure, we tried to just have fun and have sex and not schedule things and, "Hey, how you doin'?" and "Tonight good for you?" and be super casual about it. And for my husband, he's pretty casual about it. But it's not casual in my head. It's my body. It's my life that will change instantly and (hopefully) irrevocably. None of this was really real to my husband. He was supportive and wonderful and gave hugs and kisses, but it wasn't Real to him like it was to me. He didn't feel the stress. I felt completely alone. I still feel pretty alone, because it's either blame from one side or ~babydust~ from the other. It's hard to find an honest conversation, since everyone I know has their own crazy stuff going on that is far more immediate than "I'm trying to have a baby, and I haven't yet."

In the month since then, I have had the longest cycle in many years, also anovulatory, and I'm throwing in the towel temporarily. I can't take it anymore on top of the stress of my job. I can't handle having to double-check every action in case it might hurt my potential future baby. I can't handle the two weeks of thinking about nothing but whether or not I'm pregnant. I can't handle having this consume every part of my being, when I need every part of my being to focus on my students. So, I'm out for the next two months. Two months of not taking my temperature, not judging every decision based on how it will affect a developing baby, and not in the middle of a stress feedback loop of DOOM.


Then I found a mention in an article that "stress has a weak link with infertility". Then I looked a little deeper and found this:

http://www.asrm.org/Stress_and_Infertility_factsheet/

And this:

http://www.slate.com/articles/doubl...tween_them.html

And the feedback loop is gone. There is no link. Women are not bringing it on themselves. The stress itself can stop being a source of more stress, and a large chunk of it all just melted away. I'm still going back on the pill for two months just so I can focus on school, but for really reals, stressing about it does not make it worse. Stressing about it does not keep you from having a baby.

YOU CAN STOP WORRYING. Now go have some sex. Just for fun.

Other posts in this series:

1. The Stress Cycle
2. Victim Blaming
3. Woman = Uterus
4. Dismissing Emotions
5. The Myth Continues

Infertility is Not Your Fault

Babies are on hold. Teaching is brutal the first year, and I have been stressed to the max for multiple reasons. Mostly school, but baby-making is not just hard work, but also super stressful. And you know the "common sense" that stressing out makes it harder to get pregnant, so by stressing out, your problems having babies are YOUR OWN FAULT? It's this horrible cycle of women casting blame at each other, of doctors and husbands (not mine, just in general) and partners (and don't forget strangers on the internet!) taking this already stressful situation and making it so much worse by stripping out every ounce of empathy and smugly insisting that if you just weren't so stressed out, you wouldn't be making yourself infertile.

Turns out that's NOT TRUE (sources in the next post). Can some stressors disrupt ovulation? They sure can! A specific event and a BIG, acute stress can certainly have an affect. Having the flu can do it. Chronic major stressors like hunger or illness or living in a war zone can also be causes. But the much more common "My first three levels of Maslow's Hierarchy are full to bursting, but trying to have a baby and having a job and navigating life in my safe, secure little bubble is HARD, so I'm stressed out" (which is perfectly valid. I fall into this category, myself) level of stress is not going to affect your fertility.

You will hear over and over that it does. Do a google search for "infertility and stress", and everything comes up with the "common" knowledge of how stress obviously keeps you from babies, because you are bad at being a woman, who should be serine and calm at all times. It may not be couched in those terms exactly, but that's the general feeling. I know I don't count as infertile, because we've only been trying for a few months, and I am not trying to bear that cross. However, knowing what I have gone through the last three months, I can only imagine what it is like for women who truly are battling infertility and need to hear this. Hell, I've even gotten the same treatment, that I'm so stressed out about it that I just need to go do some yoga or something, because sheesh! when I was just trying to explain what and how I was feeling.

Invalidating a woman's feelings as, "You're too stressed! Just stop it!" is harmful on many levels. I'd almost go with every level. Here are five specific things

1. It creates a feedback loop of stress.
2.  It blames the victim.
3. It only values women based on their ability to have babies, and if you can't, you aren't a good woman.
4. It invalidates the emotions that women are feeling around miscarriages (It still stings when I think too hard about people telling me I didn't have a miscarriage, that I'm over-reacting, that it was all in my head).
5. It perpetuates a myth and leads to our current state of it being so commonly cited on the internet with ZERO sources (much less reliable sources) where everyone just accepts it as true.

Over the next few posts, I will explain each one a little more thoroughly and include the sources and evidence behind my claims in post #1. I will come back and add links as the posts are published.

Attempting to Make Babies is Hard Work

So, we're trying to have a baby. It's a frustrating process, weirdly enough. Seems like sexy times should be happy times, and between me and G, things are great. My problem is with The Internet.

On one forum, everyone is absolutely absurd and devoid of actual content. It's all "wishing you baby dust!" and "my DH and I BD EOD and now that I'm 4DPO I POA HPT and got BFN." What the ever living hell? I realize lingo is part of what makes a community, but seriously? First, 'baby dancing' is the most ridiculous version of 'sex' ever. Can't we just be adults and talk about real things with real names? I don't want to drag through a million acronyms and wishes of baby-dust and content-free posts with fourteen quotes from other people with nothing other than, "Yeah! Good luck! Fingers crossed! Baby dust to you! Hoping for your BFP soon! Good luck seducing your husband!" as a response after every quote.

On another forum, which feels the same way about that ridiculousness, I thought I could find support. Last month, I got carsick for the first time in my life. After that, I had low-level nausea, extremely tender breasts, and other things that I'd never felt before in my life. I don't really get PMS save getting slightly cranky, and one I realize what's happening, I can fix it. After a week, I got some terrible, terrible cramps, and then bleeding at 24 days in my cycle. I've never had a 24-day cycle in my life. Before I got on the pill, it was 31-35, after the pill it's been 29 every month. The cramping lasted a full week with 3-4 days of pelvic tenderness afterwards. I mean, I wouldn't let the kitties lay on my belly. It hurt!

That forum's response? It's all in your head! You're too stressed out and sabotaging yourself! It's too early for you to possibly have any symptoms, so you're making it up! It doesn't count as an early loss unless you get a positive test! Bullshit on all accounts.

Even if the symptoms are psychosomatic, that doesn't mean they aren't real. I still felt them! They still existed! Psychosomatic != imaginary. And it still felt bad. The pain still hurt, the cramps still cramped, and the nausea still put me off my feed. Way to be supportive, women's group! Well done. I was anxious, sure, but so is pretty much every woman in this process. Could I be a little more zen? Sure, that's true, but having someone dismiss my emotions and thoughts and pain as "You're stressed. Get over it," is also not helpful. There are also plenty of women out there who do not necessarily follow the pattern of positive pregnancy test immediately upon missing a period. It's not super common, but a quick google search means it's at least common enough to have multiple questions asked about it in multiple places, which is a decent indication that it's not all that rare. I know my body, I know when my body is doing very strange, very different things, and getting dismissed and invalidated feels shitty no matter what the circumstances.

So, The Internet, I'm afraid I am not in you, or at least your communities. Thank you, actually, for sending me to my friends and family for support, which is new and rare and actually quite nice. Instead of being angry on forums, I will be here. Being angry about forums. I guess that's a little better.

Sagan

So, our new kitty needed a name. My first cat was named Aso, my current cat is named Bug. This is the beginning of a pattern of three-letter, alphabetical order names, but it takes three data points to cement a pattern. We tried all kinds of things. I thought of Cro (since he's black) and Cwn (Gaelic for dog), but those didn't fit. G suggested Cid or Cin, but those didn't fit.

I was musing around on Wednesday night. My mom's black cat used to be named Cosmo before she renamed him Buddy. I love the cosmos and astronomy and most all science, so I started thinking about scientist names. Newton? Well, he's certainly anti-social enough, but nah. Tesla? No, still doesn't fit, and has nothing to do with night skies. Hmm. Sagan. Yes! Sagan, after the late Carl. It was perfect. I talked to G, and he was receptive.

Then he suggested that if we wanted a three-letter C name, we should name him Crl. I agreed. So our new black kitty is named Crl Sagan. The pattern stands!

New Cat!

I have a new cat! He does not have a name yet. He is black and about 3 years old. I took some terrible pictures of him.

We finally brought him home today. He will need medicine every day for a URI he caught at the shelter, but he is a good boy. Very chill. Found a cat bed and made himself at home. Bug is less than impressed. I'm sure she'll come around in a few days.

July Begins

And so, it is another month. I did not get nearly so much done in June as I wished, but it's a new month and a new week. This week, too, has been a bit of a bust thanks to the holiday smack in the middle and a slight back injury, but I should be right as rain starting next week.

I'm still enjoying the hell out of photography and doing a lot of wedding planning. We have most of the ceremony knocked out, I've got a plan for the chuppah, and even started ordering things that we are going to need. It's less than two months away, and there's still a lot to do!

Tomorrow I want to start a new project of some sort. Not just research it, but actually sit down and make something. It's been far too long since I actually used my project desk.

Photography

I just accidentally picked up a new hobby. I was hoping to learn to take better pictures so that I could photograph the food that I make and post it here or elsewhere on the intertubes. I fell down the rabbit hole and haven't come up yet. I made a flickr account so that I could upload the ones I like.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/prismaticglasses

Gonna be a fun summer!

Pot Pie!!!

I am on a mission to do so much more cooking this summer. I got the stainless steel cooking pots and pans off the registry, so I am starting to use them. It's a new experience for a girl who has used almost exclusively non-stick. The only things I use that aren't non-stick are for rice, pasta, and soup.

Sunday for lunch I made a frittata. It was insanely good. I looked at a few recipes and didn't see any that fit what I wanted, so I made it up.

Ingredients:
1 russet potato, washed and sliced
2 zucchini, grated, put in strainer with paper towel, weighted, drained
1 onion, diced
4oz mushrooms, diced
shit tonne of garlic, minced (I used the 10-second garlic peeling method. It took longer than 10 seconds, but it was a lot of fun)
8 eggs
1 big spoonful of Trader Joe's plain Greek yogurt
S&P, spice mix that was made by a friend of ours as their wedding favor
Parmesan cheese, grated (I sent my SO to pick it up, and he brought back pre-grated. It worked, but fresh would have been better. I said, "Thank you," and left it at that.)

Once you've done all the prep, heat oil in a big pan. I used a nonstick pot because it was oven-safe, had straight sides, and was sitting out, anyway. Saute garlic for about 30 seconds in hot oil. Dump in onion and cook until translucent. Drop in potato slices. Cover and wander off for a bit. Come back, stir, return lid, wander off. Come back, stir, add mushrooms. Repeat stir/wander for a while. Turn heat to low. Add zucchini and let it cook down.

In a separate bowl, combine 6 eggs, a big spoonful of yogurt, salt and pepper, spices, and some parm. Realize that it's not enough egg for the amount of veggies and add two more eggs. Whisk until well-mixed. This will take a while, since the yogurt and the egg don't play nice at first. Be stubborn.
Turn heat back up to medium and preheat oven to 350. Pour egg mixture over vegetables and stir to combine. Let sit on medium heat until oven is to temp, then stick in oven until it doesn't jiggle when you jiggle the pan. Burn your hand by accidentally grabbing the hot handle because you folded the towel incorrectly when using it as a makeshift pot holder (optional).

It came out almost absurdly rich and delicious. I served it with a hunk of artisan bread and wilted greens from a big package of organic salad greens that I knew we wouldn't eat otherwise.


I had big plans that night to make a big supper with tons of sides, but I was exhausted. I'd already cleaned, then destroyed, then cleaned the kitchen, and making a big fancy meal meant destroying it and cleaning it AGAIN. Instead, I made a pasta sauce in the pan. A one-pot meal. I cooked a bit of bacon to render out the fat, then sprinkled in flour (a little too much flour, actually. Oops!), cooked that for a bit, then started adding milk. Once that was ready, I added a bunch of cheese and some spices. It was a bit too rich for the hot weather, but it was pretty tasty.

I plan to post recipes and in some cases tutorials for some stuff I cook. Last night I make country pork shoulder ribs, and tonight I made a ridiculously tasty pot pie. The pan you use makes all the difference. Seriously.

New Beginning

School is out. Only a few things have changed since last time, but all for the good. It's all jumbled together right now, so I'm not going to divide it up into sections.

My final went mostly smoothly, and I have about 1/4 of them graded. I spent the morning planning meals for this next week and then went shopping. This afternoon I had to go do all the last minute things at the old house today and turn in the keys, but we are officially only living in ONE place now, which is amazing. I'm going to get another large chunk done over the course of tomorrow (I can only grade 3-5 at a time before I run out of juice) while also enjoying some time with friends and doing some awesome cooking. Since I did not manage to get to the grocery store for so long, I spent much more during this trip than usual, but we have food to last us quite some time. I'm particularly excited about tomorrow's menu of a frittata of beans, mushrooms, artichokes, and onion with wilted greens on the side for lunch and country style pork ribs with corn on the cob and pan-grilled zucchini. For dessert I will be making banana ice cream (freeze bananas. Blend. Eat.) with fresh strawberries and blackberries.

My feet are back in ship shape, and I went to the gym on Friday night, which felt awesome. In just two weeks I'm already able to tell how I've lost endurance, but I'm doing well on strength. I haven't lost any weight these last two weeks, but I also haven't gained any, so I'm satisfied. Now to start getting those numbers WAY down. I'm thinking about buying groceries more frequently than once per week and walking/biking to the market instead of driving and getting a giant load every week. It will require more planning and time, but it's exercise built in to healthy eating.

Now that I don't need to dress for school every day, there will be a significantly different wardrobe going on. If I have to leave the house, jeans and a polo. If I don't have to leave the house, t-shirt with pants optional. Gonna be a good summer.

Yet Another Long Break

I am completely terrible at "regularly blogging". I did ok in April, then school went nutso crazy bonkers, and I barely had time to sleep among all the planning and grading and moving and other ridiculousness. HOWEVER, this last month has been amazing.

Moving: We are moved in and about 90% of the way settled. The old lease is up next Saturday, so one more week of cleaning and getting the last few things out, and that project is completely done. I spent two weekends ago on my hands and knees cleaning the old master bathroom from stem to stern, so it is ready for move-out inspection. The things that I worry about are the kitchen and the garage, but we shall see.

Teaching: I have a contract for next year. It is amazing. My final is written and will happen Wednesday morning. There's some graduations and meetings and such that I am required to attend, but for the most part my major responsibility is going to be grading the 60 final exams in a very short period of time and finishing up comments on my students. One class out of six has comments finished, so I plan to work on that tomorrow while I'm proctoring the Spanish finals. I was asked to be the adviser for the robotics team tomorrow, so I have a lot of research to do over the summer. My textbook for AP is picked, and a few hours on Friday has my AP and Gen Phys texts mapped together so I can keep the two classes on track as far as topics. So much stuff going on this summer with teaching, so we shall see how it goes.

Fitness: I have been bad lately. Last weekend my feet got all messed up with over two dozen mosquito bites. I haven't been able to wear shoes for over a week, and walking has been pretty painful, so little in the way of exercise. However, as of a week ago I was down ten pounds from where I started in April. I never thought I'd see those numbers again, so it's a great feeling. Now I need to get my feet healed up, get my ass back to the gym, and keep those numbers going in the right direction!

Cooking: I've been having a lot of fun with meal planning and cooking lately. It's all fairly simple fare, but it's all been tasty. There are some issues I still need to work out with my portion sizes vs G's portion sizes and what leftovers are going to be eaten when, but things are on the right track. It's still costing more than I would like, but that is my fault for still relying on packaged foods. Once I get better at making larger amounts of food, reliance on pre-packaged or frozen meals should plummet. Over this summer I want to get into baking my own bread, as well. I've tried off and on over the years, but nothing has ever been consistent. Now that I have time, a KA mixer, and a few recipes for no-knead bread, this may very well be the Summer Of Bread.

Crafting: I have done jack and squat as far as crafting lately. My sewing area is piled with flotsam and jetsam lever over from moving that has not found a home yet. I have Big Plans for my first few projects. Most notably, and what can be made from my stash, is potholders. I looked at a bunch of tutorials for various styles, and all of them seemed not quite right. I fooled around in the kitchen for a few minutes lifting things and putting things in/out of the oven to see how I grip hot pans. I want to make my own design that is halfway between a potholder and an oven mitt that is easy to use, is both protective and allows dexterity, and probably won't be made from simple rectangles. The other project I want to make, and this one will require shopping, is a magic wrap skirt. I saw a video of the five hundred different ways one can be worn, but they don't really come in colors/patterns I like and also big enough for me being a giant. SO, I will get my silky awesome fabrics in pretty colors/patterns and figure out the damn pattern myself! I miss engineering patterns.

Wedding: Where did I get those two dozen mosquito bites? In Oklahoma, visiting my family for our engagement party. My parents are awesome, and they throw an incredible shindig. Other than that, wedding planning is on hold. I'm not worried about this, because I scheduled May in as an off month since I knew we'd be moving. I am officially done with school as of June 13 when grades are due, so after that wedding planning begins anew with renewed vigor and haste. Also, it's now close enough to the wedding that we could buy a marriage license. SO AWESOME.

In short, life is crazy, but also wonderful. Living with just G and no roommates is the best housing decision I have made in my adult life. Today is a good day.

Too Much!

What a week! I haven't managed to get a post in sideways in over a week because everything has been crazy. I am feeling very good about how buying groceries and eating is going. My last measurements at the gym were fantastic. I may have finally passed the turning point on weight loss, but we shall see. One thing is for sure, I need new pants!!

On the teaching front, I just had to fix a big kerfuffle with the parents. I've been assigning projects every week as homework, and I wildly misjudged what was an appropriate amount of homework. The parents were up in arms, almost in tears, very frustrated, and not even at all happy. The reports kept coming in, "My student loves you, loves your class, thinks you are a great teacher, BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH HOMEWORK!" It was mostly from parents of students who aren't doing so hot, so I figured it was something I could fix in a later unit.

Then the Class Liaison got involved and sent me an email with a rather stark version of the situation. Students were spending 6-7, sometimes 10 or more hours on the assignments. They are NOT supposed to take that long, but this is all new to them. The homework load is supposed to average out at 2-2.5 hours per week per class. I messed up. The assignments were far too difficult.

That spurred me to action. I completely revamped the homework that is due next week. I didn't change the actual projects, just how many were required, what they were worth, and what they involved. They have to do 45 total points instead of 60, I upped the point level of two projects, cut out large portions of other projects, and offered two ways of getting bonus points (one for this assignment, one to apply to previous assignments). In short, I am bending over backwards to try to fix this. We'll see how this new assignment goes over.

Two students looked over the homework before I posted it and tell me if it sounded more reasonable. Then I grabbed every freshman I could find and told them to spread the word about a changed homework load. Two or three (one of whom belonged to some parents who had sent me emails) came in looking VERY worried. I have no idea what they were worried about, specifically, but they were worried about something regarding the new homework. As soon as it was explained, relief washed over them. All the students have sounded very happy about the reduced load.

Next week, I'll poll them again to see if this level of projects is better and re-adjust if needed. Next week should be much easier on me. All I have to do is write an exam. Monday and Tuesday is review. Wednesday is Community Service Day (I'm doing park cleanup with the freshmen), and Thursday/Friday is the exam. I start Electromagnetism with the AP students next week, so that should be interesting. RHR all over the place!!! That will give me a chance to catch up on my mountain of grading and get ahead a bit on planning. OR just unpack and enjoy living in my own apartment. One of the two.

Successful Week

This week has been amazing. Just from one end to the other.

Monday, I worked out for an hour and a half. Melissa made me do pushups to muscle failure THREE TIMES. And it hurt, but it was awesome. It left me super sore on Tuesday and especially Wednesday, but it was worth it. After the gym was the discussion group where we (folks from the gym) talk about our successes and challenges and support each other through trying to get healthier habits around food and exercise. After all that, I went home and made my weekly grocery list and meal plan, set up the crock pot for chili to use up more pantry items, and went the hell to bed.

Tuesday was exhausting, but worth it! After a full day of labs and activities, it was shopping time. Not just grocery shopping, but also buying 120 kids worth of ice cream making supplies for my and the chemistry teacher's labs for Wednesday and Thursday. In a complete coincidence, both classes were making ice cream at the same time by the same means. My lesson was on phase change; hers was one colligative properties. Worked out well!

I got groceries for meals to cook this week, although the plans have changed a bit, so I think I will shift things around a bit. The "being prepared, both professionally and at home" thing is awesome. The meal planning and shopping really aren't big chores at all. The "preparing lessons and grading papers" is a giant chore, but worth it. Oh, so very, very worth it! I'm a bit behind this week for a few reasons, but luckily this weekend is free and clear for all of packing, cooking, grading, and planning.

Wednesday was Day 1 of ice cream. It was a bit of a disaster. Whooooo, buddy! I made the mistake of grouping together two students, neither of whom have particularly strong executive functions. It was messy. But it worked out, I made additions, and it got better with every class. As soon as school was over, I updated and changed around instructions on the lab sheet to make things more clear. I think I will need to separate it out into one sheet of directions and one sheet of questions. It's too much to fit on one sheet.

After school, I took a walk/job around the block after work as part of my new plan. It hurt like all get out since I was still so sore from Monday, but I did it. And I will do it again next week. That evening we had dinner with a friend (in the plan!) and talked for a long time. It was nice to have that time talking and laughing and visiting, while also discussing some important and difficult issues. It was tough, but necessary.

Today was a successful day of ice cream (of which I had NONE), and I got some excellent news at work. Life is finally on the track I've been after for five years. I have an amazing fiancee, incredible friends, a fabulous support group and fitness coach, soon my own apartment, and the job that I've been seeking for a very long time. It's all coming together and will only get better from here. Tonight is hours of grading and prep, some planning for tomorrow, and at least one celebratory beer. Life is all right by me.

Teaching

Today was a really good day at school. We are studying phase change, so I started with my phase change concept map, talked about energy transfer, blew their minds by showing them that freezing and melting are warming processes, and got the new project sheet out. I spent almost all of Sunday (minus a few episodes of Psych) prepping for this week, and it is paying off so far! I made the homework project, AP prep sheets, homework templates for my AP students (who sent me on treasure hunts for problems and answers in the first homework they turned in), made a huge shopping list for all the labs this week, and graded every shred of paper anyone had turned in. It was a productive day.

On Mondays, I have a block of freshman physics, a block of AP, lunch, planning, and another block of freshmen physics. Tuesdays is three blocks of freshmen physics in a row, so I use that first block to test out my worksheets and fix any mistakes or misunderstandings or issues so that the other blocks run more smoothly. But! Today I did not have to make any changes! Everything went as smoothly as I had planned. The station switching is a little rough, and it's hard to balance the ones who write one almost-sentence and call it done with the ones who write a medium-length thesis and not have someone waiting around bored, but I'm sure it'll work out fine.


I just finished my grocery list and weekly meal-plan, so things are looking well-prepared for this week on the home front, also.