Memories

Memory is a funny thing. I just read back over almost a year's worth of old journal entries from 2007. Four years ago I was still working at a job I hated, and reliving the descent into misery was strangely unmoving. What struck me was all the incredibly fun times I had with friends having house parties, going bowling, cooking for friends, watching the lunar eclipse, stumbling into my first adult (and ultimately abusive) relationship, and being so optimistic and so happy and so funny about everything that was going on. I had completely forgotten all the good things in favor of the depression that had enveloped me at the end of my tenure as an economic consultant.

Reading over my stories and reactions brings the good times back, and reading about my reactions to events is very heatening. I've lost touch with that part of myself, and that is not at all a good thing. I have not posted in that journal for over a year, and it is time to start recording the stuff that is going on again, even if there is no current audience, because I will be my future audience. I don't want to think about all the things that have happened and things I have done over the last eighteen months that I have completely forgotten about and have no way to go back and remember. Keeping a journal used to be important to me, and I will make it so again. These lost years have been good and bad, but now is it time to re-engage myself in recording my life.

I started this blog, not to keep track of daily occurances, but to record things to think about, to write essays like the ones explained here where I start with an idea and play with it until I figure something out. Or I don't. Either way. My old journal is actually really funny to read, and that side of me is not something I have tapped into recently other than an occasional Facebook update. I feel myself falling into floating through my life instead of experiencing it. The last few months have been very hard for a number of reasons, and I very much want to kick myself into being more thoughtful and more funny, and tell stories again. Stories mean so much to me, and the entry I recently read about how my major goal in life is to have stories to tell still resonates deeply. I haven't made many stories lately. I have been surrounded by a dearth of positive energy lately, so it's time to find that from within and remember how I only have power over myself and my actions and my reactions.

This thought has meandered into and back out of my head a couple times, but now I want to grab hold and act on it. I really do want to tell funny stories and have as much laughter in my life as I seem to have had in 2007 from hanging out with friends, working at he climbing gym, and generally finding the good things to focus on, but it is going to take some time and effort and not being funny at all before I can find that place in myself again.

Thanks for coming along!